You’d think I’d know better by now

I had a real hankering for doughnuts today. I love doughnuts, almost as much as Homer Simpson does. But doughnuts and I don’t get along. Since my surgery, they’ve been a no-no because they’re so calorie dense, plus they get stuck.

Despite that, I grabbed a couple of doughnuts on the way to work. I had a doctor’s appointment first thing in the morning—nothing serious, just medication refills and routine blood work—so I didn’t have time for even coffee when I left the house. I even forgot my cell phone and had to stop at home on the way to work. After the doctor’s appointment, I bought my doughnuts and started nibbling in the car. I got an apple fritter and a chocolate old-fashioned, plus the counter girl tossed in a couple of holes. I ate the holes and started on the fritter. Before long, I’ve got that awful pressure in the chest. I hoped I could hold out until I could pull off the freeway, but this wasn’t going to wait. I grabbed the nearest bag and let the stuck doughnuts come back up. As it happened, I had grabbed the bag with the rest of the doughnuts in it, so I returned what I had eaten and ruined the rest.

I can only imagine that eating doughnuts is somehow associated with a simpler time of my life, but I can’t really remember when eating doughnuts corresponded with a good time. Perhaps I was seeking the comfort that binge eating used to confer—at least for a short time. Work has been busier lately and errands have kept me from home until almost 10 every night this week. I see some tasks in the future that have to get done. Next time, instead of doughnuts, I should get a bigger Starbucks drink. At least there’s calcium-rich milk in it.

I get food amnesia sometimes. I have never been able to eat a doughnut since my surgery. I don’t know why I thought I would do it today. The doughnuts only cost a couple bucks, but made me feel awful for several hours. Note to self: leave the doughnuts to Homer.

At least it’s warming up

Mad props to those of you who live in cold climates. We had a cold spell the past few days and I thought I was going to freeze to death. Thankfully, it’s warmer today.

I was OK last night going to see my husband. The nursing home is warm. But then I had to get gas for the car and stand in the breezy cold for 5 minutes or so while I pumped. Could not warm up after that. Shivered while watching TV, and turned up the heater. I even put my nightgown and sweatpants in the dryer to warm them, plus a towel to warm up the sheets. And I even had a real dinner last night: katsu pork leftover from Saturday dinner. Breaded pork cutlets that I softened up with port gravy, accompanied by stewed mushrooms and artichoke hearts. Went down easy and stayed down.

I always get cold when I lose a layer or two of body fat. These days, I’m making an effort to eat everything I’m supposed to, to keep the motor running. Had a protein shake on the way to work this morning. Lunch was cottage cheese with bacon and sunflower seeds. Midafternoon snack was Greek yogurt and for the drive home I’ll have cheese. Dinner will be the rest of the leftover pork. I’m really hankering for a gooey chocolate dessert, but I don’t think I could eat a small enough piece to not mess up my eating plan.

I finally warmed up last night a few hours before the alarm went off. That’s when my cat Kevin came in and informed me that I could feed him now. I told him that if he won’t sleep with me, he’ll have to wait for his food. Wait, that came out wrong.

See you tomorrow.

I’ll stop this slide right now

I missed a work meeting today. I thought it was in the afternoon, but it was early-ish in the morning. Luckily, I was forgiven, but I was angry at myself.

Lately I’ve been late to many things and forgetful of others. I periodically slide into ditziness and I hate when that happens.

Because of my lap-band, it’s harder to get ditzy on my eating. Oh, it’s possible to gain weight with the band, and I’ve done it. There are certain foods that aren’t that good for you that will go down easy, like candy and ice cream. They’re called “sliders,” and not those cute little hamburgers. But luckily I can’t do the bulk as I’ve done in my binging past. I won’t be downing whole cheesecakes in an evening or finish off a package of cookies.

I’ve gotten a little sloppy in my eating. Lately I’ve been tired when I get up, so I’ve skipped my breakfast protein shake in favor of coffee and held off eating until lunch. I’ve had my regular lunch and then I’ve been hungry the rest of the day and maybe snacked on some sunflower seeds, or made a dinner of brie and blue cheese on crackers. I don’t think I’ve been getting enough protein, and when that happens, no matter how little you eat, you still don’t lose weight.

Well, one of the reasons I started this blog was to confess my “sins” and keep on the straight and narrow. Readers, forgive me, for I have strayed.

Starting tomorrow, it’s back to the shakes for breakfast, no matter how cold it is in the morning. (Note: I’m a native Southern Californian, so my cold is a Midwesterner’s brisk. When it gets down to the 40s, we panic.) That’s why cars have heaters. And when I’m at work, I can have all the coffee I can drink.

There, I’ve put it out there. Now I just gotta do it.

See you tomorrow.

Back to my life

I took a tiny break because for once I had nothing to say. No revelations, no problems, just a life that’s going smoothly. Conflict is the engine that drives stories, and I had none going on.  And boy did I feel guilty that I didn't write something.

At least there’s no conflict in regards to my eating. We do have an animal situation. We’re fostering a kitten for an animal-rescue group. The kitten, a feral, was trapped and neutered, and is now undergoing socialization with humans. So far, she’s in a cage in the bathroom in the master bedroom and our two cats want nothing to do with her. In fact, our boy cat, Kevin, has become aggressive toward our girl cat, Charlotte. Luckily, she can climb the cat tree faster and higher and escapes. He’s usually the mellow one, and he’s been hissing and growling at her. He usually sleeps on my bed, but now he won’t even go into the bedroom. Both the cats are on diets, so I’m sure that hasn’t helped the situation. Don’t tell my daughter, but I gave them a little extra food last night when she was on a sleepover.

I guess that’s what’s gotten me in trouble all these years: using food as the answer to everything. Food is always an easy answer: cheap, plentiful, and it doesn’t talk back. Except it lingers WAY too long on the body and is reluctant to leave. Come to think of it, food is a terrible answer. I’m never eating food again. Oops. If only it were that easy.

See you tomorrow.

Holy moly, 90 pounds

Stepped on my scale this morning and got a nice surprise: a new low weight, 189.4. I even stepped off and back on, to confirm the number. Down 2 pounds from yesterday. This means I’ve lost 90.1 pounds and have 59.4 to go.

I don’t think I could life 90 pounds without help. How was I walking around with all that weight? The answer: not very well. I was taking the maximum dose of a couple of diabetes medications and they were barely keeping my blood sugar in good ranges. Now I’ve been able to cut out both of them. I still take blood pressure medications, but I’m going to look into eliminating those at my next doctor’s visit. We live halfway up a hill, and I have to park at the bottom and make that walk every day. At my top weight, it used to take me the longest time, and I’d have to stop a couple of times to catch my breath. At one point, a neighbor even stopped his car and asked me if I was OK. Now, I don’t run up the hill, but I can make it in pretty good time, without stopping.

I’m lucky in that the tightness of my band is exactly right. I’m in the green zone. I can eat what I need and not be ravenously hungry, as I’ve felt in the past. I’m making sure that I’m following the rules: no liquids with meals, and waiting a half-hour after eating before resuming drinking. Sometimes I’m counting the seconds until me next cup of coffee, but that’s my new reality.

I want to remember this feeling for when I’m tempted to overdo foods that get me in trouble, like chocolate. Oh, I’ll have my sugar-free mochas, but I’m deliberately walking the other way from the giant bag of Ghirardelli chocolates someone has placed atop the filing cabinets. It’s hard for me to eat just one, so I won’t eat any, at least today.

And tomorrow, if I eat one or more, the world won’t end. I’ll just have to work harder to get past it. That’s what I love about weight-loss surgery: I’m not sweating out the weekly weigh-ins that can determine how the rest of my week will be.

I hope the rest of your week is good. See you tomorrow.

Making the best of it

My daughter had her heart set on eating at The Old Spaghetti Factory last night. We used to eat there literally every Friday. You get a full meal, with salad, entrée, drink, and dessert. I was a little worried because pasta isn’t my ideal meal—may my Italian ancestors forgive me!—because of all the carbs.

Well, we started with salad, which I usually can’t handle too well. I get stuck on lettuce, of all things. I ate a bit of a salad with the creamy pesto dressing—it’s to die for. I made sure to put dressing only on parts I was going to immediately eat, and saved the rest of the salad for my guinea pigs. For my entrée, I ordered crab-stuffed ravioli in pesto-alfredo sauce. I got about 8 huge pillows of pasta and ate a couple of them. Actually, at about 1 too many and had to make a dash to the restroom. The rest will be dinner tonight. Both of us were so stuffed that we declined dessert of spumoni, and OSF has great spumoni.

The upshot is that I dropped a little weight last night. Yesterday I had a shake for breakfast—a 28g protein shake, smaller than my usual—and a half-can of chili for lunch. Greek yogurt for midafternoon snack and skinny Starbucks mocha for the drive home. Then pasta for dinner. A few mixed nuts after I got home. Now that’s a “diet” I could stay on.

I was pleased to see this morning that my fasting blood sugar was even lower, 94, than earlier this week. That tells me I’m going the right direction.

See you tomorrow.

Change is good, but it's scary

I’ve been shrinking in the oddest places.

The other day, my wedding band fell off. Just plain slipped off my finger as I let my hand dangle. I tried it on another finger, but it wouldn’t fit very well. So I’ve had to put it in a jewelry box drawer until I can find a nice chain and wear it around my neck. I plan to get it and my engagement ring resized, but I still have about 60 pounds to lose and no telling how skinny my fingers will be. I found my high school class of 1973 ring the other day and it barely fit on my little finger.

I do feel sort of naked without my wedding band. Not that I get hit on in real life. On Facebook, all the time. By guys who can’t read the word “Married” in my profile.

So why can’t my ass catch up with my fingers? I suppose if I were working out I’d have better luck down there. I type most of the day, so my fingers are probably the fittest part of my body.

I have been able to stop the last of my diabetes medications. I was taking Actos every evening. My last A1C reading a few months ago was still high, but much lower than before surgery. I’ve been waking up shaky in the morning. I stopped taking it a week ago and have been checking my blood sugar readings in the morning. I’m right around 100, which is acceptable. I do feel better in the morning, although I never wake up full of sunshine. However, after a few cups of coffee, I’m my cheerful self.

I hope you all can find your cheerful selves so easily. See you tomorrow.