You’d think I’d know better by now

I had a real hankering for doughnuts today. I love doughnuts, almost as much as Homer Simpson does. But doughnuts and I don’t get along. Since my surgery, they’ve been a no-no because they’re so calorie dense, plus they get stuck.

Despite that, I grabbed a couple of doughnuts on the way to work. I had a doctor’s appointment first thing in the morning—nothing serious, just medication refills and routine blood work—so I didn’t have time for even coffee when I left the house. I even forgot my cell phone and had to stop at home on the way to work. After the doctor’s appointment, I bought my doughnuts and started nibbling in the car. I got an apple fritter and a chocolate old-fashioned, plus the counter girl tossed in a couple of holes. I ate the holes and started on the fritter. Before long, I’ve got that awful pressure in the chest. I hoped I could hold out until I could pull off the freeway, but this wasn’t going to wait. I grabbed the nearest bag and let the stuck doughnuts come back up. As it happened, I had grabbed the bag with the rest of the doughnuts in it, so I returned what I had eaten and ruined the rest.

I can only imagine that eating doughnuts is somehow associated with a simpler time of my life, but I can’t really remember when eating doughnuts corresponded with a good time. Perhaps I was seeking the comfort that binge eating used to confer—at least for a short time. Work has been busier lately and errands have kept me from home until almost 10 every night this week. I see some tasks in the future that have to get done. Next time, instead of doughnuts, I should get a bigger Starbucks drink. At least there’s calcium-rich milk in it.

I get food amnesia sometimes. I have never been able to eat a doughnut since my surgery. I don’t know why I thought I would do it today. The doughnuts only cost a couple bucks, but made me feel awful for several hours. Note to self: leave the doughnuts to Homer.