Fight the fear and happiness follows

One of my favorite films is Defending Your Life, starring Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep as recently departed folks who must justify their life decisions before they can pass to the next level or return to Earth to do it again. (Also, while you’re in this way station, food is delicious and you can eat as much as you like and not gain weight. Are you sure it’s not heaven?)

The biggest reason people get sent back to Earth? Fear. Fear of taking risks, fear of facing the enemy. Anything that holds you back from doing the right thing.

My big fear lately has been to get on the scale. I haven’t exactly been eating the way I should and many inappropriate foods made their way to my mouth. Like I wrote yesterday, I got out of my good habits and reverted to some of my old ones during the holidays. But today I hopped on the floor monster expecting a gain, took a deep breath, and discovered I’d actually lost 0.4 of a pound.

So all that fear and anxiety was for nothing. In fact, I had to wear jeans that previously were too tight for comfort because my dryer broke as I was drying my 2 pairs of jeans that fit.  Now, I’m not saying these pants aren’t tighter than I’d like, and that I have a muffin top worthy of Cupcake Wars. But I survived today, and only had to unbutton them once, right after lunch. Who knew cottage cheese had so much bulk?

There’s no reason not to face what you fear. Whether I gained or lost weight had already happened, and my ignorance wasn’t going to change anything. In fact, finding out I’d lost a bit made me feel better about myself today, and who doesn’t enjoy a good mood.

See you next time.

Too much celebrating

It’s so easy to go off the track, isn’t it?

I was insistent—to myself, at least—that I wouldn’t let the holidays rattle me. It wasn’t a big event, just a gradual chipping away of routine until I feel like I’m mired in a mud puddle.

The only person who can get me back on track is me, so that’s what I’ll do. I’m so cold in the morning that I hate drinking an icy protein shake. Recently I read some instructions for making a warm shake, so I’m going to try that.

I still haven’t gotten to the gym. I did get the necessary headphones, shoes and water bottle, but I can’t find any shorts that fit. Believe me, no one wants to see me on the elliptical with my pants around my ankles. I know there must be some shorts SOMEWHERE in the mess I call my bedroom.

My recent time-suck has been planning my daughter’s birthday. She turned 19 on Sunday. We celebrated with a trip to Marukai, a Japanese market in Gardena—her choice. It was like visiting another country. My daughter bought a flavor of Pepsi she drank in Japan last summer: strawberry cream. We topped it off with dinner at an Italian restaurant in Fullerton that I dined at in college, when I was her age.

Celebrating her birthday reminded me of my pregnancy. I weighed about 30 pounds more than I do now, and developed gestational diabetes, which meant I had to check my blood 4 times a day and take insulin shots twice daily. And this was before we had insulin pens with tiny needles. Because of the diabetes, I had to follow a strict diet, similar to early Weight Watchers. After a few months of gaining weight, I gained nothing more during the remaining 7 months. After I got home from the hospital, I discovered I had lost about 40 pounds. My glee was short-lasting, because I discovered triple-chocolate muffins from a local supermarket and would eat one, sometimes two a day. Only later did I realize those suckers had about 800 calories each.  Serving size, one-half muffin. Right.

See you next time.

Off to the gym I go

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need more exercise.

About the only exercise I get these days is walking from the car and taking the stairs to my office. I know exercise is important for permanent weight-loss success. My previous success came when I lost about 55 pounds in five months. I was going to Weight Watchers meetings once a week and working out at a gym four days a week, sometimes more. I could work the elliptical trainer long enough to burn like 500 calories in a session.

But then my work schedule changed, money became tight and other issues contributed to me quitting the gym and Weight Watchers and regaining all the weight, plus more.

So I know I gotta do it, but the biggest problem is finding time to do it. My mornings are tight and after work I do quick errands and visit my husband in his nursing home. Starting any day now, I’ll go to the gym after seeing hubby. I got a good deal on a 24 Hour Fitness membership, the gym I used to attend, and a brand new club opened up a few miles away.

I’m excited about starting. I used to follow a routine with the weight machines, then do the elliptical. I prefer this kind of exercise because I hate walking at night and I’m not big on classes. I’m looking forward to tightening up and maybe getting rid of these bat wings.

When I was a gym member before, maybe 2003, I was amazed at some of the things I saw there. One time, while I was on the stationary bike, the woman next to me left abruptly, then returned, reeking of cigarette smoke. She left the gym for a smoke! And you know how some women work out in sports bras? An older woman followed the style, wearing only a bra as her top, but it was a regular white industrial bra. And unlike gym class, where we’d shower and dress with averted eyes? One member liked to stand in front of the mirror stark naked while rubbing cream on her body. I think she was imagining she was in a soft-porn movie.

Me, I’m going for the health.

See you next time.

Back to real life

The holidays are such a season of excess. I gained 2.4 pounds, which isn’t too bad considering what it might have been in years past. I didn’t go crazy, but I didn’t follow my eating plan. Luckily, my lap-band makes it difficult to overdo it.

I kinda hate this time of year. Everything is about cutting back and becoming a mature adult. Everything’s done up in bright white and not the velvety tones of December. All the magazines are about diets and no longer featuring that delectable food porn that keeps me going. I don’t want to cook it, I just want to look at it.

I don’t like to make resolutions. I figure I have enough metrics I have to fulfill in the rest of my life without it intruding on my personal life, too. I’ll keep up with the food plan and keep reading and commenting on the blogs of other weight-loss surgery folk. One of the reasons I got weight-loss surgery was so I wouldn’t have to “diet” anymore. It’s so comforting to finish a meal and feel full without resorting to stuffing yourself with veggies.

I will be happy to lose weight this year. Every pound I lose is getting me closer to a healthy goal. Still, my success is bittersweet with my husband not being an active part of my life.

If you’re a resolution-focused person, more power to you. May you fulfill your resolutions. I’m fighting this fight on my terms, and victory will be sweet. And sugar-free.

See you next time.

Back above the weather

Last week I didn’t feel 100% but thought it was the added work from the holidays and my usual lack of sleep. But during my regular meeting with my pulmonary doctor, I discovered I have a respiratory infection, for which he prescribed an antibiotic and short-term asthma drugs.

After a few days on the medications I’m feeling much better. So this is what it’s like to breathe without coughing! I can sleep through the night without getting up to empty my lungs (and trigger the cats into thinking it’s morning and they need to be fed).

I tend to try to resolve my problems without seeking help. Maybe that stems from hanging out with the smart kids and feeling embarrassed to seek clarification when I didn’t understand something. Nowadays, I’ll search for solutions on the Internet and try to fix something myself. That often works, as when my daughter dropped her iPod touch in a puddle and it stopped working. A little scurrying around the Internet found a solution: hold down 2 buttons for 10 seconds or so, and the device reset and turned on.

But I’ve had respiratory problems my whole life, so it didn’t occur to me that anything was more wrong than usual. Note to self: wheezing and coughing up stuff isn’t normal.

As for eating, it’s been hit and miss. I’ve gone periods when I haven’t eating anything, or have consumed only low-fat, sugar-free lattes. And I’ve eaten some things that shouldn’t be on an eating plan for losing weight. I’m not going to beat myself up for that. Sometimes you have to do whatever will get you through a busy day. I haven’t weighed myself in several days, so when I finally get on the scale, I’ll either be disappointed or delighted. I can never be perfect, but at least I won’t get crazy.

See you tomorrow.

Back to normalish

Got sleep last night. It was still difficult waking up, but at least I got a good 7 hours. I might still be in bed if my daughter didn’t have our puppy jump on the bed and attack me awake.

The plan tonight is to get at least 7 hours. We’ll see.

I’ve often read of the link between not getting enough sleep and obesity. There’s probably some chemical reason, but I think we also self-treat by fueling our bodies in hopes of making us feel more awake. I believe I felt that effect during my sleepless day. I was so hungry yesterday that I ate too much, and felt worse for it. I tried to eat a breakfast burrito, but it came back up before I got to work. Lunch was OK, but I was hungry on the way home and got a couple of tacos. Same result. I was out of plastic bags in the car and had to pull over to take care of the pressure. I hate when that happens. As a result, today I have a sore throat and I bit my lip, so it’s swollen.

Oh, moderation, why are you so hard to practice? But I suppose if I could master that, I wouldn’t be in the predicament I’m in these days.

The result of my horrid couple of days is that I still lost some weight. I’m down 91.1 pounds. I’d rather lose a couple of ounces a day than go through what I did the past couple days. But a loss is a loss.

See you tomorrow.

Resetting the clock

I generally don’t get quite enough sleep. I often don’t get home from work until almost 9, sometimes later, and it takes me at least a few hours just to get chores done. I catch up on sleep on the weekend.

But last week, I had to be out of the house unusually early on Friday and Saturday. By Saturday night I was bushed, and I fell asleep several times on the couch while watching TV. I looked forward to Sunday, when I could finally sleep in.

I woke up Sunday in the dark, and the clock ready 5:10. I thought, “5:10 in the morning, not so bad, I can sleep a few more hours.” Then I remembered that I had gotten up around 9 a.m. to feed the cats, so it couldn’t possibly be 5:10 a.m. I checked the clock and saw that it was indeed 5:10 p.m., the latest I’ve ever slept. I got up to start my day with the newspaper and coffee.

I did my usual Sunday errands and added a few more trips because I was WIDE AWAKE. I was WIDE AWAKE at 2 a.m. and realized that I’d never get to sleep in time to wake at a decent hour for work, so I stayed up. I got to work about three hours earlier than I usually do, and boy did I get a great parking space. I’m still awake now about 20 hours later. Thanks to lots of strong coffee, I should be able to last until this evening. And I know I will sleep tonight.

I keep forgetting I’m not 20 years old anymore. This body doesn’t recover from lack of sleep like it used to, even though I’m 90 pounds lighter than I was two years ago. But I’ve never been good at moderation. I mean, that’s why I needed the weight-loss surgery.

See you tomorrow.