Back to real life

The holidays are such a season of excess. I gained 2.4 pounds, which isn’t too bad considering what it might have been in years past. I didn’t go crazy, but I didn’t follow my eating plan. Luckily, my lap-band makes it difficult to overdo it.

I kinda hate this time of year. Everything is about cutting back and becoming a mature adult. Everything’s done up in bright white and not the velvety tones of December. All the magazines are about diets and no longer featuring that delectable food porn that keeps me going. I don’t want to cook it, I just want to look at it.

I don’t like to make resolutions. I figure I have enough metrics I have to fulfill in the rest of my life without it intruding on my personal life, too. I’ll keep up with the food plan and keep reading and commenting on the blogs of other weight-loss surgery folk. One of the reasons I got weight-loss surgery was so I wouldn’t have to “diet” anymore. It’s so comforting to finish a meal and feel full without resorting to stuffing yourself with veggies.

I will be happy to lose weight this year. Every pound I lose is getting me closer to a healthy goal. Still, my success is bittersweet with my husband not being an active part of my life.

If you’re a resolution-focused person, more power to you. May you fulfill your resolutions. I’m fighting this fight on my terms, and victory will be sweet. And sugar-free.

See you next time.

Back above the weather

Last week I didn’t feel 100% but thought it was the added work from the holidays and my usual lack of sleep. But during my regular meeting with my pulmonary doctor, I discovered I have a respiratory infection, for which he prescribed an antibiotic and short-term asthma drugs.

After a few days on the medications I’m feeling much better. So this is what it’s like to breathe without coughing! I can sleep through the night without getting up to empty my lungs (and trigger the cats into thinking it’s morning and they need to be fed).

I tend to try to resolve my problems without seeking help. Maybe that stems from hanging out with the smart kids and feeling embarrassed to seek clarification when I didn’t understand something. Nowadays, I’ll search for solutions on the Internet and try to fix something myself. That often works, as when my daughter dropped her iPod touch in a puddle and it stopped working. A little scurrying around the Internet found a solution: hold down 2 buttons for 10 seconds or so, and the device reset and turned on.

But I’ve had respiratory problems my whole life, so it didn’t occur to me that anything was more wrong than usual. Note to self: wheezing and coughing up stuff isn’t normal.

As for eating, it’s been hit and miss. I’ve gone periods when I haven’t eating anything, or have consumed only low-fat, sugar-free lattes. And I’ve eaten some things that shouldn’t be on an eating plan for losing weight. I’m not going to beat myself up for that. Sometimes you have to do whatever will get you through a busy day. I haven’t weighed myself in several days, so when I finally get on the scale, I’ll either be disappointed or delighted. I can never be perfect, but at least I won’t get crazy.

See you tomorrow.

Back to normalish

Got sleep last night. It was still difficult waking up, but at least I got a good 7 hours. I might still be in bed if my daughter didn’t have our puppy jump on the bed and attack me awake.

The plan tonight is to get at least 7 hours. We’ll see.

I’ve often read of the link between not getting enough sleep and obesity. There’s probably some chemical reason, but I think we also self-treat by fueling our bodies in hopes of making us feel more awake. I believe I felt that effect during my sleepless day. I was so hungry yesterday that I ate too much, and felt worse for it. I tried to eat a breakfast burrito, but it came back up before I got to work. Lunch was OK, but I was hungry on the way home and got a couple of tacos. Same result. I was out of plastic bags in the car and had to pull over to take care of the pressure. I hate when that happens. As a result, today I have a sore throat and I bit my lip, so it’s swollen.

Oh, moderation, why are you so hard to practice? But I suppose if I could master that, I wouldn’t be in the predicament I’m in these days.

The result of my horrid couple of days is that I still lost some weight. I’m down 91.1 pounds. I’d rather lose a couple of ounces a day than go through what I did the past couple days. But a loss is a loss.

See you tomorrow.

Resetting the clock

I generally don’t get quite enough sleep. I often don’t get home from work until almost 9, sometimes later, and it takes me at least a few hours just to get chores done. I catch up on sleep on the weekend.

But last week, I had to be out of the house unusually early on Friday and Saturday. By Saturday night I was bushed, and I fell asleep several times on the couch while watching TV. I looked forward to Sunday, when I could finally sleep in.

I woke up Sunday in the dark, and the clock ready 5:10. I thought, “5:10 in the morning, not so bad, I can sleep a few more hours.” Then I remembered that I had gotten up around 9 a.m. to feed the cats, so it couldn’t possibly be 5:10 a.m. I checked the clock and saw that it was indeed 5:10 p.m., the latest I’ve ever slept. I got up to start my day with the newspaper and coffee.

I did my usual Sunday errands and added a few more trips because I was WIDE AWAKE. I was WIDE AWAKE at 2 a.m. and realized that I’d never get to sleep in time to wake at a decent hour for work, so I stayed up. I got to work about three hours earlier than I usually do, and boy did I get a great parking space. I’m still awake now about 20 hours later. Thanks to lots of strong coffee, I should be able to last until this evening. And I know I will sleep tonight.

I keep forgetting I’m not 20 years old anymore. This body doesn’t recover from lack of sleep like it used to, even though I’m 90 pounds lighter than I was two years ago. But I’ve never been good at moderation. I mean, that’s why I needed the weight-loss surgery.

See you tomorrow.

You’d think I’d know better by now

I had a real hankering for doughnuts today. I love doughnuts, almost as much as Homer Simpson does. But doughnuts and I don’t get along. Since my surgery, they’ve been a no-no because they’re so calorie dense, plus they get stuck.

Despite that, I grabbed a couple of doughnuts on the way to work. I had a doctor’s appointment first thing in the morning—nothing serious, just medication refills and routine blood work—so I didn’t have time for even coffee when I left the house. I even forgot my cell phone and had to stop at home on the way to work. After the doctor’s appointment, I bought my doughnuts and started nibbling in the car. I got an apple fritter and a chocolate old-fashioned, plus the counter girl tossed in a couple of holes. I ate the holes and started on the fritter. Before long, I’ve got that awful pressure in the chest. I hoped I could hold out until I could pull off the freeway, but this wasn’t going to wait. I grabbed the nearest bag and let the stuck doughnuts come back up. As it happened, I had grabbed the bag with the rest of the doughnuts in it, so I returned what I had eaten and ruined the rest.

I can only imagine that eating doughnuts is somehow associated with a simpler time of my life, but I can’t really remember when eating doughnuts corresponded with a good time. Perhaps I was seeking the comfort that binge eating used to confer—at least for a short time. Work has been busier lately and errands have kept me from home until almost 10 every night this week. I see some tasks in the future that have to get done. Next time, instead of doughnuts, I should get a bigger Starbucks drink. At least there’s calcium-rich milk in it.

I get food amnesia sometimes. I have never been able to eat a doughnut since my surgery. I don’t know why I thought I would do it today. The doughnuts only cost a couple bucks, but made me feel awful for several hours. Note to self: leave the doughnuts to Homer.

At least it’s warming up

Mad props to those of you who live in cold climates. We had a cold spell the past few days and I thought I was going to freeze to death. Thankfully, it’s warmer today.

I was OK last night going to see my husband. The nursing home is warm. But then I had to get gas for the car and stand in the breezy cold for 5 minutes or so while I pumped. Could not warm up after that. Shivered while watching TV, and turned up the heater. I even put my nightgown and sweatpants in the dryer to warm them, plus a towel to warm up the sheets. And I even had a real dinner last night: katsu pork leftover from Saturday dinner. Breaded pork cutlets that I softened up with port gravy, accompanied by stewed mushrooms and artichoke hearts. Went down easy and stayed down.

I always get cold when I lose a layer or two of body fat. These days, I’m making an effort to eat everything I’m supposed to, to keep the motor running. Had a protein shake on the way to work this morning. Lunch was cottage cheese with bacon and sunflower seeds. Midafternoon snack was Greek yogurt and for the drive home I’ll have cheese. Dinner will be the rest of the leftover pork. I’m really hankering for a gooey chocolate dessert, but I don’t think I could eat a small enough piece to not mess up my eating plan.

I finally warmed up last night a few hours before the alarm went off. That’s when my cat Kevin came in and informed me that I could feed him now. I told him that if he won’t sleep with me, he’ll have to wait for his food. Wait, that came out wrong.

See you tomorrow.

I’ll stop this slide right now

I missed a work meeting today. I thought it was in the afternoon, but it was early-ish in the morning. Luckily, I was forgiven, but I was angry at myself.

Lately I’ve been late to many things and forgetful of others. I periodically slide into ditziness and I hate when that happens.

Because of my lap-band, it’s harder to get ditzy on my eating. Oh, it’s possible to gain weight with the band, and I’ve done it. There are certain foods that aren’t that good for you that will go down easy, like candy and ice cream. They’re called “sliders,” and not those cute little hamburgers. But luckily I can’t do the bulk as I’ve done in my binging past. I won’t be downing whole cheesecakes in an evening or finish off a package of cookies.

I’ve gotten a little sloppy in my eating. Lately I’ve been tired when I get up, so I’ve skipped my breakfast protein shake in favor of coffee and held off eating until lunch. I’ve had my regular lunch and then I’ve been hungry the rest of the day and maybe snacked on some sunflower seeds, or made a dinner of brie and blue cheese on crackers. I don’t think I’ve been getting enough protein, and when that happens, no matter how little you eat, you still don’t lose weight.

Well, one of the reasons I started this blog was to confess my “sins” and keep on the straight and narrow. Readers, forgive me, for I have strayed.

Starting tomorrow, it’s back to the shakes for breakfast, no matter how cold it is in the morning. (Note: I’m a native Southern Californian, so my cold is a Midwesterner’s brisk. When it gets down to the 40s, we panic.) That’s why cars have heaters. And when I’m at work, I can have all the coffee I can drink.

There, I’ve put it out there. Now I just gotta do it.

See you tomorrow.