Monday, February 27, 2012

Where the heck have I been?


Good question. Why is it so easy to drop good habits and the bad ones just get more entrenched? I got busy with other things in my life that took up writing time, and when I did have time to write, I worked on my novel that I want to enter in a contest in April. (Believe me, that's progress in a way.)

I had nothing new to report, but some of the old was falling away. My eating has become somewhat—somewhat, ha!—erratic and I have not yet found time to go to the gym that I joined in January. I’ve even had dreams where I’ve gone to the gym. How boring is that?

Add to that the fact that my insurance plan changed and all of my health-care providers are on it except my bariatric surgeon. His office is trying to get me approved as an out-of-network patient, otherwise I’ll have to pay over $100 for the office visit and get reimbursed by the insurance company. And if I need a fill to tighten my band, that’s another $500.

Maybe the real issue is that I’ve been missing my husband terribly lately. Some of you know he suffered a stroke in 2010 and has been in a nursing home since May 2010. When I visit him there, I’m just reminded of how great we used to have it. He knows I’m there when I visit, and responds when I kiss him goodbye. He can't read because of his stroke, so he mostly watches TV. I want my husband back, but it just isn’t going to happen. I’m not even sure how to talk to him anymore. We used to share a wealth of private jokes, but I don’t think he understands everything I say. I hesitate to tell him about the changes we’ve made at home, because I don’t know how interesting he’ll find it, or if he’ll feel bad because he’s not there. Maybe it’s a form of survivor’s guilt. I was the one with the host of medical problems, and he walked three to five miles a day, yet he got the stroke.

I have to realize that there is nothing I can do to change the past. What I can change is how I beat myself up for wanting to stay there. No one can do it but me. Insert your upbeat cliché here. You get the idea.

Here is one thing I will commit to this week. I will eat no more candy. Half-price sweets don’t have half the calories, and now that the Easter candy is out, well, I have a rabbit and he won’t eat that junk.

The gym? Let’s try to do that before the weekend is over.

See you next time.

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